Death.

Every time death comes up in conversation, I can’t stop thinking about it. I am fascinated by the thought of it, yet scared for others around me to go through the process. As for me dying, I don’t worry about that as much. I feel as though what ever does happen after life, I think I will be fine with it. I like to believe in angels and that the people I love are still looking down upon me, but another part of me has this whole theory on death. I’m not sure I really believe it or not, but it would be really cool if it actually did happen.

The Theory: It is part allegory of the cave and part reincarnation. I like to think that living creatures start out and they know nothing about life or living. Then, they start to know more things and when they die they become reincarnated to different species of animals and they try living as different creatures (not realizing what they are doing, of course). The living, reincarnated thing makes life connections that stay with them throughout the whole process, like your best friend for life will always appear in your reincarnations and you will find your real true love. Once you get to the highest stages, you will feel privileged and knowledgeable and like you have mastered life. Once you reach that point, where you meet and find your true love, your ultimate best friend, when you finally live the life you have shaped through many, many centuries, you become an angel. I don’t think there’s a God, so the angels don’t really chill with God, but maybe they chill with Mother Nature, Fate and Destiny.

But, on the other hand, when I am in a pessimistic, life-sucks kind of mood, death really is just a body decaying. That’s why I want to be cremated. The thought of worms and maggots crawling around my bones grosses me out. Hi, burn me please.

Why this topic has come up: One of my best friends just went to a funeral and wake for one of her friend’s fathers. He had cancer and his family, and him, knew it was coming sooner rather than later.

I think about death once a day. Death and the future are the two things you can pretty much guarantee I have thought about in a day. Well, those and ice cream.

My death thoughts: Life is too short. CSG’s best friend from high school died in a car accident. He was speeding and it was wet out. To this day, I cannot really talk to CSG about it because it makes me cry and I didn’t even know CSG’s best friend. This is one of the top reasons I respect CSG more than anyone else in the world. His senior year of high school sucked beyond anyone else’s I know. His best friend died suddenly and tragically, one of his neighbors died, one of his teachers died, his grandfather died and his girlfriend cheated on him with like 17 guys in a month. Yet, when we first started dating, he was the one who fell in love first. He was the one willing to make the jump whereas with me… I was scared shit less and I had no reason to be. I guess when someone you were very close to dies, it just makes you realize how short life is and how you should just take a chance with everything you have.

Often times when CSG doesn’t call when he says (he’s very punctual), I worry too much. I often think he’s dead in his dorm and I think of everything that could’ve happened and what I should do and usually I work myself up until he calls and I tell him I thought he died and he just tells me I think about death too much. He is probably right. I know that if he dies before me (which I do not plan. I plan that we will go out very much like The Notebook) I am going to get “The Luckiest” tattooed on my left wrist. Because quite honestly, I am the luckiest person alive to know such an amazing guy. *Swoon*

Another random point that I always think about whenever death is mentioned: My cousin died when she was 6; I was 8. She was my closest cousin, not by age, but companion-wise. She had a brain tumor that they didn’t catch until it was way too late. We went to the hospital to say goodbye, but I was too shy to go and say goodbye. Everyone kept asking if I wanted to go say something, but I was just polite and said “That’s okay”. I’ve always been a pushover. I was sad for a while that I didn’t go and say anything (I don’t say regret because as Rent has taught us “Forget regret or life is yours to miss”), but now I think it was probably for the best. My mom tells me she was so tiny in that hospital bed and she had so many wires everywhere. I miss her a lot all the time, but especially at family functions. I have other cousins that are close to my age, however they aren’t the greatest people (my ‘closest’ cousin has had abortions too many times to count– I’m pro-choice, but really… use protection. Learn the first time. Don’t use abortions as birth control.)

Also, I have no remaining grandparents. The only time I met my dad’s side of the family was when my grandfather died. I had only met him about twice in my life. I never met my actual grandmother on my dad’s side since she died (on mother’s day. How horrible is that?!) just after my mom and dad had started dating aka 20 years before I was born. My grandmother on my mom’s side died when I was 5, so I only know her by pictures and these prayer books she used to give me. The only grandparent I knew growing up was my grandfather on my mom’s side. He used to make us eat a lot and I got to drink soda, or as he called it tonic, when I went over there. I used to play the piano and watch the Disney channel. He died when I was in 6th grade.

Whenever I meet anyone’s grandparents I get jealous. Especially if they make fun of their grandparents. I wish I could talk to mine so bad. Just to see their personality for myself and not be told by others what they were like.

Yes, every time someone mentions death, all these thoughts come rushing into my head simultaneously.