A lot to handle
This weekend was absolutely terrible. I was hoping it would get my mind off of school and internships, but no, it just made things worse. Not to mention that I am PMSing currently. I feel like I have been crying for three days straight (which I kind of have been).
What makes things worse is that I don’t want to talk about what happened or what IS happening. I am just so overwhelmed with school, with finding a job for the summer, for getting an apartment for next fall, with family. The only good thing that has come out of this little depression is that I am now a bio major (no more bacteria shit) and that CSG is right beside me even if his head is about to explode from his sinuses out.
I should probably see a therapist. I think there is a free one here at college, but I am not sure.
Right now, there is a lot on my plate and I am not sure how I am going to handle all of it. That being said, maybe I’ll open up later, just right now it’s too new and too “holy crap you are clinically insane”. I’m hoping that this weekend has been so terrible because of that pesky period that is on its way.
Sex post! Boo yeah.
I mentioned losing my virginity in the last post and you know what? It’s a great story. Here goes nothing…
He was my first boyfriend. My first kiss. My first blow-job. We experienced everything new together. He was also my best friend’s brother. I know… awkward. If you ever have to decide whether to go out with your best friend’s brother or not, I would not recommend it.
We had dated for two years. For our two year anniversary, he got me this tiny stuffed animal. It would have been fine, if he had actually put time into the gift, if we hadn’t been on rocky ground and if he hadn’t given his sister the same thing. Awesome. Needless to say, we didn’t even end it there! Oh no. He didn’t talk to me for two weeks (he was busy getting acquainted to college) and I just sat there until one night I was out with my very best friend in high school and I was like fuck him. The next morning at nine AM, right before I had work, I called him on his cell phone and we decided we were no more. I went to work and told my friends, including his sister. Everyone asked me if I was okay and I was… at that time. It wasn’t till a few days later when I fell apart.
We went a few weeks not talking, then talking. We were trying the whole being friends thing. Totally overrated. By this time, CSG had broken up with his slut girlfriend and we were both mending each other’s hearts. We talked online every night and he asked me out to a movie. We didn’t end up going to see a movie at the time; we went to my best friend/ex-boyfriend’s house because that’s where my friends always hung out. He drove me there and back and by the time we reached my house, I hopped out of the car immediately and said talk to you later! At the end of the night, I told CSG I wasn’t ready to date him, but I really liked being his friend. Everything was dandy, except for the fact that I wasn’t over my ex.
Christmas break rolled along. The ex was home. For a month. At the end of January, I told the ex that we should talk. I met with very best friend from high school (VBFHS) and we devised a plan. I was going to talk about his sister’s new boyfriend and how they were a sleazy couple. Then, pull out this lovely line… “I regret not having sex with you”. I am a classy one, folks.
The day came and we talked just like planned. Before my hit or miss chance I kept saying “I don’t think I should tell you this…” and “It’s so bad”. He made me tell him. He agreed and then we went to CVS. He told me to stay in the car and he would run in and get the condoms. We went back to his house and we decided where to do it. We ended up on his bed, listening to Dave Matthews.
Yeah, we weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend. Yeah, we were horny teenagers. Yeah, it was probably dumb, but I still don’t regret it. He was my first for everything, I was old enough to know what I was doing and it was great. Even though, the things I did afterwards spiraled into the worst part of my life ever (not a fun story) and it was essentially because of this incident… it was what I wanted and had wanted for so long.
Ex and I never got back together. Fortunately, CSG and I did get back together and it is wonderful. In fact he said this to me today: “[insert realy name here], i love you so much, and i dont know what i would do without you”.
Yay!
Sisters. Can’t live with them. Can’t live without them.
I love my sister. I really do! I am just terrified of becoming her. Since I was young my mom has reinforced over and over that I am not to grow up like my sister. I have done everything I possibly could to stop that from happening. When someone would tell me that we are so similar I would cry.
Why?
I am glad you asked. Let me tell you the differences between us first. She had sex at 13 with her first boyfriend. At 13, I was this awkward geek. I held hands with boy and that was really weird and ended there. She had a daughter at 18. When I was 18, I had just lost my virginity to the boy I had dated for 2 years. That’s a fun story… I should tell that some time. She loved short skirts, being a rebel, not doing well in school and pissing my mom off. I was a goody-too-shoes, tried really hard to please my mother, and I like knee-length.
I remember coming home after grocery shopping with my mom and my sister had a temper tantrum and she had threw the phone on the floor. It was the coolest phone and she broke it. She was pissed because I accidentally killed her gross boyfriend’s hamster. I feed it a chocolate cupcake… what? I was like 6. It was scary because then she started screaming at my mother and I ran upstairs to hide in my closet. My closet was my savior during this time. It kept the noise out and I would just sit in there and play.
That instance, and others like it, are why I am so non confrontational. It scared the hell out of me. It still does. Never yell at me. I can guarantee I won’t do it ever again.
So, MaeBee why bring this random subject up now?
My niece is like my sister, only worse. She is a brat. I love her, but she can be an ugly person. She hits, bites, throws nasty sarcastic comments towards you and then the next second she wants you to hug her. Yes, she has some legitimate problems. Lately, my sister has moved and my niece has a new school. A better fit for her, but she’s going through puberty. She’s out of control. She had a court date against her mother today because my sister had to call the cops because my niece was so out of control. If my niece is late or misses school again, she goes to a foster home. We’re all on the tip of our toes to see if this has actually sunk in.
I really hope so.
Anyway, to make a long story short… I hope I do not end up like my sister. I want to be a good mother and have terrific children like my brothers.
Please do not let me be like my sister or my mom in this aspect.
