What’s funny about yourself that makes you smile when you think of it?
This was a relatively hard question. I like to give a lot of thought into my answers and some of them, just weren’t too funny. But I think one of the funniest things about me is the size of my feet. I have huge feet. They are a size 11 female. But that’s not the funny part. When you get pregnant your feet grow. I want to be pregnant many times, therefore my feet are not going to fit in any shoes in regular show stores and I will have to buy either men’s shoes, really awkward old lady shoes, or get custom made shoes to fit my enormous feet.
I officially started my job, not just random work they had us do. It seems pretty awesome right now. I’m not tan yet, but by the end of June, you won’t even recognize me… okay, that’s a lie. I’ll be the same shade of complete whiteness, but that is fine by me. My partner is still very cool. She doesn’t seem like a poli-sci. major…? She’s super nice and easy to get along with. I suppose you could say it is an easy relationship. We started off comfortable with each other and now, we’re just getting to know each other for the rest of the month.
I haven’t heard anything on the family front. So, nothing has really changed. My niece is still crazy and my father is still stubborn.
I asked one of my best friends to help me with the lyrics to CSG’s song. She was a lot of help and she will continue to be. She’s awesome. I cannot wait to see her again.
Well, I am off to read the new cosmo! Carrie underwood… you look good.
What special thing happened to you today?
My special thing today is that I started my summer job! It will be fun and the person I am working with throughout this month seems really nice (despite being a political science major- Every political science major I know, I hate). So, we’ll see how that goes. I will get to be outside and I get to travel. Sounds good to me!
Many things to update! We shall discuss MY NEW APARTMENT first. It is exciting and awesome and yet, terrifying. I am here. By myself and every noise makes me stop and question what it was. I feel safer here than at my parents’ house though… I have yet to put my name on the internet bill, so I’m going to do that tomorrow. I hope they don’t shut it off in the meantime. I would be so bored and lonesome.
Second topic is my family. My dad has yet to see a doctor OR go to the hospital. It unnerves me greatly. I wish he would just get some balls and go. My niece is still in the hospital. She got her period (womanhood!). I personally think she has been hiding it for a little bit from everyone, so it comes as no big surprise. My mom congratulated her and I guess she looked down right confused. Good act little one. Periods suck, but people will know.
On happier note, I think I figured out what I am going to do for CSG for his present. I think I shall write him a song. I have some of it written with a tune and everything. This is when knowing music majors really helps because I can enlist their service and ask them to help me make it completely awesome. Not to mention they’re music ed. majors so they’ll totally help me! I may post the lyrics for speculation, but I have to write them first and then I shall see.
Until next time, read ya later fellas.
What have been the happiest times of your life?
A little side-note before I begin answering the question. I was rummaging through my room, finding things that I will need/want in my apartment when I came across this book I got in Cambridge once. These guys were having a book sale and I found this book titled “A Book of Questions to keep thoughts and feelings”. I’m going to follow this book and answer the questions when I can. Also, keep in mind this book was made in 1984 so there may be some questions like “What will life be like in the new millennium?”. And to that I will answer, the world will blow up and computers won’t know what time or day it is! Now, onto the question at hand.
Whenever asked this question, my general answer is sitting outside on the front step with my dad watching the zigzag pattern of lighting during many storms. It is/was rare for me to really spend a moment or bond with my dad. I never really saw him because he worked so much (still does), so on the occasion I spent some quality time with him, I remember it well. But other happy times would be falling in love for the first time, falling in love with CSG and not realizing it, meeting my nieces and nephew for the first time, the summer where I was with my sister all the time and we just watched movies every night till the early morning, Christmas’ when my 2nd brother slept over, going on adventures with my 1st brother and his now wife, and getting into a tough college (I didn’t go because it was so expensive, but I got in).
Reality: I’m moving into my new apartment tomorrow. I am nervous and excited and just plain thrilled. My dad has been lying on the couch complaining of abdominal pain, but refuses to go get help. He’s a stubborn old man, for sure. I’ve been trying to convince him to go, in fact my whole family has, but he’s scared. CSG practically yelled at me because I wasn’t telling my dad my true feelings (like the fact that I am scared he won’t be able to walk me down the aisle, pay for my college education anymore or see my kids someday), but I set him straight by telling him dark secrets of my past (cue scary music) and crying tremendously. It hurts, but he’s got to make the effort and actually do it. I must get up in 6 hours to move stuff into my car and then, unload them at my new apartment!
Goodnight love muffins!
Advice to a broken heart
Dear heartbroken,
You probably feel alone. You probably feel like no one wants to hear you talk about your problems or feelings. You probably feel like you lost your best friend and don’t know where to turn anymore.
I have been in your shoes. I knew it was the best thing to happen. It’s better for both of you, at least, that’s what everyone keeps saying. When I broke up with my first love, I dyed my hair black. I slacked off a bit more. I felt ridiculous for letting a guy do this to me, and yet, here I was acting all dramatic just because someone broke my heart. I wished I could be strong and keep myself together, but it was so hard. Everything reminded me of him. Songs on the radio, the school, the stage, my car. He was the lucky one. He got to go to college. He didn’t have to deal with turning the corner and remembering the time I gave him his birthday present. Or the time he kissed me on the cheek. Or the location of our first kiss. He got to get away from it all and I was so jealous and angry.
It hurts breaking up with someone. It’s one of the worst feelings in the world and there is no shame in hurting for a long time. I still see him and I have to catch my breath when he looks into my eyes. I have to stop myself from letting me talk to him about every detail of my life like before.
I am much happier now, and yet, whenever I think about him, I wish we could be friends as silly as that is. As bad of a friend as he is, I still wish we talked every once in a while. I wish he knew the inner details of my life. You never get over the best friend thing. Perhaps you get over the passion and the lust, but I don’t think I will ever get over losing my best friend.
So, brokenhearted, yeah there is no easy way to let go of someone. The best advice is to tell them to get them out of your life completely. I know it will not be easy, nor very fun at first, but it’s worth it. I couldn’t let go until I deleted him from my life. I also did some really stupid mistakes. Never call him crying. Never ask him stupid questions at night. Never send him emails dissecting his whole personality. And never, ever send an anonymous letter to him telling him how great he is. He will know it is you and it will be the most embarrassing moments of your life, but you will never tell anyone when they ask. Yes, it is even more embarrassing than having your mom walk in on you.
I know you probably won’t listen to advice. I never did, even though the advice people gave me was correct. You have to follow your instinct, but you also have to distance yourself and restrain yourself. Have confidence. Find your true friends. Flirt with new boys! It is time to be fun and forget about that stupid boy.
Love, MaeBee
PS- If you need me, you know I am here to listen or give advice or both. Whatever you need, I am here for you.
If you could invent something to help mankind, what would it be?
One of my first ideas was a time machine, but time machines could backfire in the hands of many fellow humans, such as people going back to the stone age with a cell phone. Just not a good idea to completely uproot history and change it forever. At least in my opinion. Then, I was thinking a teleporter, but people are already fat enough. That would just take laziness to a whole new level. At last, my final answer came to me as I sat here recovering from my biology final. I would invent the cure to the common cold. Why the common cold? Why not AIDS or cancer or some extravagant thing? Well, the common cold affects pretty much everyone once in their life. It’s annoying and just a big pain in the butt. I am definitely not saying that cancer, AIDS, etc. are not a giant stress causer or fun to deal with at all; I believe these are mother nature’s way of saying: stop trying to fuck with things that you shouldn’t. The common cold- it’s just there to annoy the hell out of us.
Into the realm of actual reality for MaeBee. My father has not been feeling good and therefore, has not been eating except for a grilled cheese for two days. It is upsetting because he is tremendously skinny already and he is losing weight. He still won’t go to the doctors because he is scared. Maybe he should be seeing as they have been telling him for the past, oh TWENTY YEARS that he should stop smoking and he should stop drinking and he should start eating more. Has he done any of that? No. He brought it on himself, but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less. I love my father and I would love for him to walk one of his daughters (preferably me) down the aisle at least once in his lifetime. Unfortunately, that is not looking like it will happen.
As for that crazy niece of mine, she’s on trial for domestic abuse on Friday. She could stay where she is or she could go to Juvie. My sister was telling me about how juvie is a teen prison (which I knew. Duh.) but like they make people their bitches and beat the shit out of each other…? I have no idea. I really hope she doesn’t have to take that path. Although, it might make her realize the shit she got herself into. Probably not though. If that girl is anything, she is stubborn to the core.
I have one more final to go before I can say adios to this dorm and hola to my brand new apartment. The final is going to be the easiest one of the past two weeks though, so I’m not too worried. DId I tell you guys I got a C in microbio? I am so proud of myself for passing. I hate that class. I am so glad it is not my major anymore.
This morning I woke up and my eye was twitching. I went to my 8AM final (GROSS) and my eye was twitching. I am sitting here typing this AND MY EYE IS STILL TWITCHING.
CSG and I will have been dating for two years in August. I was thinking of taking him camping…? We’ve always said we would love to go together and this summer would be perfect to do that as we are both living away from our parents, but I don’t have anything. I don’t have a tent or a clue as to how to go camping. I’ve never done it before. :O I know. You’re shocked. That’s what happens when your parents are old when they have you. You don’t get to do anything fun. Anyways, do you think camping is a good idea or do you have better ideas?? I want something creative, maybe a little romantic, but mostly something fun. Give me your ideas people!!
I think I shall nap now. Have a wonderful day.
PS- I should be able to update a liiiitle bit more because of the whole summer-beginning-school-craziness-ending thing, but I got a job so we’ll see how that goes. Not to mention, I’m not sure if I’ll have the internets right away at my brand new apartment. I’ll try my hardest.
Whose writing do you admire the most?
There are so many, but I am going to list my top three favorite writing.
1). E.E Cummings. He was so daring and courageous to break out of the shell of typical poetry and to add random punctuation and to move onto a new line when no one else would have. Not to mention the words he puts in his poems come together to make a wonderful poem.
2). Now, this one may surprise you, but I really wish I could write like Death Cab for Cutie. One of my most favorite songs of theirs is What Sarah Said because of the way they describe the hospital and ICU. It is just completely perfect. It makes you think and yet, at the same time, you know exactly what they are talking about.
3). Jonathan Larson, writer and creater of Rent, the musical. Rent has been one of my all time favorite things in this world since I saw it in 2001. It has a powerful message and makes me sob like a baby every time I see it. I was a little disappointed with the movie, but not nearly how much I thought I would be. It is most definitely worth seeing at least once in your lifetime.
That’s my list.
On to other news- Tomorrow is the start of finals. I have one tomorrow, Friday, Tuesday and next Wednesday. Also, ROOMIE AND I SIGNED FOR OUR APARTMENT!! We are so excited to move in. I’m moving June 1st. So, basically I have been studying and dreaming of my apartment. Summer is FINALLY here. Almost. After next week…
No question today. Just straight up dirt.
I’ve been holding back on you guys. As I’ve told you before, I’m not very good at opening up. I mean, I am in some ways, but when it comes to the real emotional baggage, I don’t like to cause people to feel sorry for me or to think that I only complain. So here are the things that have been dragging me down since Alot to handle in list from, like I do:
- My niece is in a mental institution for children and teens because she threatened to kill her mother several times. It will help her, but we are all very scared and very emotional.
- My dad thinks he has stomach cancer. I don’t know why or how he thinks he has stomach cancer, but I know he hasn’t been feeling good and that is not a good sign. He’s never sick, not to mention he is the skinnest person I have ever seen and he smokes and drinks every day.
- CSG and I have been going through a trouble patch. I say trouble patch because I love him with every fiber of my being, but I have just been so moody because of the happenings up above that I just get fusturated with him and he doesn’t deserve that.
- The semester has been raping me in the ass essentially. It’s been really difficult, but it’s only going to get harder as the year(s) go on.
But, on the plus side, I just released to one of my best friends and she is amazing and asked excellent questions and is amazing- did I mention that already?
PS- I’ll keep you updated on the whole situation, obviously.
What animal frightens you most, and why?
When I was little, I was deathly afraid of hippos. I had this book that portrayed them as ferocious beasts with huge sharp teeth. I didn’t check for monsters under my bed; I checked for hippos. Also, I always wanted to go to Africa when I was little (I don’t really know why…), but then my sister told me there were hippos there and I change my life directions.
As of now, the most frightening animal to me is I guess a snake. They’re disgusting to look at, but they slither and crawl over to you and you wouldn’t even notice until it is wrapped around your foot, pulling you down to wrap itself around your neck, killing you slowly and painfully! Okay, so that was a little dramatic, but it could kill you easily. I’ll probably come up with a better one later on. I’ll fill you in.
FYI- I also hate rabbits. One of my friends had a rabbit for a little while and the stupid thing ate my flip-flop, would NOT shut up and tried to nibble on you whenever possible, especially while you were sleeping. I hate bunnies.
Life update now: Roomie and I handed in our application. Now, we are waiting on them to check us out and see if we’re okay to live there and that we won’t destroy the whole apartment. Then, we will be able to sign the lease and move in June 1st!!
I also have a job. It’s a research job. I’m not going to tell you a lot about it, but I get to travel all over MA, which is very cool. Although, it is only for a month, but it hired me and it pays pretty well and it is full time. I’ll find a job after… hopefully.
Have a great day folks.
What most excites you about the way you’re living your life right now?
I have been a negligent mother to this blog. I could come up with a billion excuses, but the truth is I’ve been busy and I haven’t felt like writing until like a couple of days ago. Since we’re being honest here, I’ll tell you that I feel like I am just not cut out for this blogging world. I’m not that great of a writer, nor am I that interesting. And at first, that was what this whole journal thing was about. Being interesting. Being someone that people would go “wow. This girl is so thoughtful and cool”. I am not. Now that I have had weeks to deliberate and stare thoughtfully at my bookmark of this scary page, I have come to the conclusion that I need to write in this because if I don’t, the thoughts in my head will explode somewhere else. Somewhere I don’t want them to explode. As weird as this may sound, I would much rather have a stranger read my inner most thoughts than some of my close friends.
Maybe it’s my generation. I read an article in the school paper about our generation and how we are the first ones to grow up with the web by our side. We have discussed important issues on AIM, we have made Myspace and Facebook the biggest social networking websites, we have grown up with everything at our fingertips in the flash of a button. And here we are. We’re graduating college and high school. We’re facing reality and dealing with older generations who don’t speak like us, don’t know about computers and we don’t get what it was like back in the sixties or seventies. Sure. We have grown up in a war. We have grown up with drugs and alcohol, but we have also had to deal with school shootings. Our very own country, generation, our peers attacking our safety. Media infiltrating our brains constantly. Reality TV versus our own reality. Trying to be yourself, yet still be liked and still get the approval from our very hard-working parents who grew up with hard times in hard places. This is who we are. This is who I am. Generation Y.
I will be focusing on not only what is happening in my life and what is going through my thoughts, but also one chosen question, which will be stated in the title. This is my fresh start to my blog.
What most excites you about the way you’re living your life right now? I would have to say living away from my parents. I love them, I love seeing them, but having my own place to get away is wonderful. I am getting an apartment for the summer and next fall with my roommate whom we shall call from now on, Roomie. (I am SO creative). I never even imagined how freeing it would feel to not live under my parents rules. To eat what I want, to drive where I want, to go to bed when I want. All very wonderful, but sometimes I just want to sit on my mom’s lap and cry into her shoulder and sometimes I want her to be here to make me a cup of tea and sit and talk. I suppose Roomie/CSG will have to do for now. 
A lot to handle
This weekend was absolutely terrible. I was hoping it would get my mind off of school and internships, but no, it just made things worse. Not to mention that I am PMSing currently. I feel like I have been crying for three days straight (which I kind of have been).
What makes things worse is that I don’t want to talk about what happened or what IS happening. I am just so overwhelmed with school, with finding a job for the summer, for getting an apartment for next fall, with family. The only good thing that has come out of this little depression is that I am now a bio major (no more bacteria shit) and that CSG is right beside me even if his head is about to explode from his sinuses out.
I should probably see a therapist. I think there is a free one here at college, but I am not sure.
Right now, there is a lot on my plate and I am not sure how I am going to handle all of it. That being said, maybe I’ll open up later, just right now it’s too new and too “holy crap you are clinically insane”. I’m hoping that this weekend has been so terrible because of that pesky period that is on its way.
